Ways to Annoy Voldemort
by Aleriaxx
Summary: 1. Knit him sweaters. Really horrible sweaters. 2. Force the Death Eaters to sing their theme song. 3. Draw your own version of the Dark Mark on his arm. 4. Ask him when he last took a bath. And much, much more! How would the Dark Lord react? Rated K . R&R.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**Ways To Annoy Voldemort**

**1. Knit him sweaters. Really horrible sweaters. **

Voldemort held the shapeless thing in front of him and frowned. It looked like an extremely large clump of dried seaweed with regurgitated hairballs and week-old bile from someone who had been eating nothing but spinach for several days. Several vomit-pink puff balls were glued here and there.

"What. Is. _This_?" he snarled, dropping the unholy object back into the dancing-reindeer wrapping. The Death Eater trembled.

"Merry Christmas," he stammered weakly. Nagini hissed, expressing Voldemort's displeasure.

"_What is it_?"

"I was knitting, my lord."

"Knitting what? _Roadkill_?" Voldemort hissed, his red eyes alight with fury. The poor man under the mask looked like he would faint.

"Sweater," he said, feebly holding up a pair of knitting needles and a spool of yarn the same vomit color as the monstrosity that sat in the wrappings.

"_How dare you_!" Voldemort shrieked with sudden ferocity. "The Dark Lord absolutely detests receiving inadequate presents! The Dark Lord is disgusted by your unworthy offerings! First Lucius with the pogo stick, that appallingly cheerful Muggle device, and Yaxley with the Elvis records, and Avery, with- with lotion! Victoria's Secret Love Spell Body Lotion! 8.4 ounce bottle! And- and-" He was choking up with emotion as his snake curled consolingly around his feet. The Death Eater was backed against the wall, bewildered by his master's outburst. "SHAMPOO!" Voldemort screamed at the top of his lungs. "Severus Snape! Dove Nourishing Oil Shampoo! 25.4 Ounces! How absolutely insensitive!"

"Yes, my Lord-"

"Lucius had no idea that the Dark Lord prefers trampolines," Voldemort said woefully. "...and lotion gives the Dark Lord rashes." Before the Death Eater could ask him to stop the use of the third person, Voldemort snapped back to normal, looking embarrassed. His pale face flushed and he cleared his throat.

"Never again will you give me notorious Christmas presents," he snapped quickly. "That-that monstrosity will go in the garbage." He slammed the door behind the Death Eater, who hurried quickly away, utterly bewildered as he tucked his knitting needles back into his robes. At least he hadn't gotten a look at the rash. And perhaps he would try hats next time. The Dark Lord might like that better.

* * *

The Dark Lord in question was now taking another look at the sweater. Even the snake slithered away, unable to bear the sight of it, but Voldemort was intrigued. Another man might have run away screaming from it's revolting color, but Voldemort himself was so terrible, he was drawn to the waves of evil coming off of the wool.

In fact, he thought as he prodded a pink puff ball with his wand, it was very, very evil. The Dark Lord liked evil. He could smell it in the air. He brought the wool closer to his slitted nose and inhaled. Ah, yes, he could smell it- poisonous, stinking evil. It smelled like...raspberries.

Voldemort hid it under a loose floorboard along with the pogo stick.

**More comin'! Please R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Me no own Harry Potter!**

Voldemort woke to music- off-key and terrible music. His first thought was that one of the Death Eaters was playing his Elvis record, but then he realized that it was coming from the main room, and it was not any tune he recognized.

He wrapped some fuzzy pink Muggle robes (another bizarre Christmas gift from a clueless Death Eater) around his body and put on his bunny slippers (they matched the robes) before walking down the hallway to the source of the singing.

He stopped, bewildered.

The Death Eaters were standing in rows, and one of them stood in front of the others, merrily waving a knitting needle like a conductor's baton. The moment the Dark Lord stepped in, the voices began to die out, replaced by silent terror. Only the conductor went on-his back was to Voldemort.

Eventually realizing that his friends were focused on something behind him, he turned and jumped.

"My lord!' he gasped, dropping the knitting needle and falling into a deep bow. Obviously he had never seen Voldemort in pink before...especially not fluffy pink. It would have been laughable had the wearer not been so imposing.

Usually the Death Eaters would all crawl forward on their hands and knees and kiss the hem of his robes in greeting, but no one desired to put their mouth on something as fluffy and pink as Voldemort's current attire. There could be some sort of disease, not to mention fleas; after all, it looked as though Voldemort was being smothered by a hairy pink bear.

"Well?" the Dark Lord hissed murderously. Everyone trembled. "What are you waiting for? Keep singing!"

The conductor blinked incredulously, waiting for his master to whip his wand from his fluffy pocket and start to 'Crucio' them without pause.

"Are you all deaf? Keep singing, I said!"

"Yes, master-of course, master-" the conductor scrambled up, clenched the needle with a shaking hand and unwillingly looked to the other Death Eaters, feeling that Voldemort might curse his turned back at any moment now.

They began to sing:

_Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?_

_When all is dim and dark?_

_Who murder people in their beds_

_Or sometimes in the park?_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_Our blood is pure as pure!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We all love Voldemort!_

_We serve the Dark Lord every day,_

_We're always very loyal_

_And if with us you don't agree_

_We'll boil you in hot oil!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We're evil as can be!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_But if we're scared we'll flee!_

_Our curses are incredible._

_We're known for our Morsmordres_

_And though our leader is insane_

_We always follow orders._

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_We're wickedness collective!_

_Death Eaters! Death Eaters!_

_Yet rather ineffective!_

The song ended. Voldemort realized that he had been humming along. Now he cleared his throat.

"It was a fine song," Voldemort said coldly, "but there is something...missing. What you need is more action...you need dance choreography." The Death Eaters shifted uneasily, but when their master's eyes glinted with a threat they bowed, vigorously nodding their heads in agreement.

"A most intelligent idea, my lord..."

"We will, master..."

"As you wish, my liege..."

"And then, during my great invasion of Hogwarts, you will perform the dance as they surrender and admit defeat! It will be a perfect moment!" Voldemort looked excited. His servants were not surprised...their master spent half of the time nowadays muttering 'During my great invasion of Hogwarts...' or 'For my great invasion on Hogwarts...' or 'Is so-and-so ready for my great invasion of Hogwarts?'.

"Very well then, you may begin practicing. Make it splendid, dramatic, and very evil." He turned and grandly exited the room-well, as grandly as one can be in a fluffy pink robe. The Death Eaters stared silently at each other, feeling utterly miserable. Finally, one spoke up.

"The Dark Lord seems to favor the color pink."

Another brief silence, and then again-

"Perhaps pink ballerina outfits would be the way to go?"

**Song is not mine! Thnx for all the reviews!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Me no own HP.**

"What?" Voldemort hissed, incredulous. The Death Eater trembled, and Voldemort realized that this one Death Eater had been causing him so much trouble...first the hideous, monstrous, grotesque, disgusting, terrible, vile, evil and attractive Christmas sweater, and then the Death Eater theme song, and now... "What's wrong with the old Dark Mark?" he asked menacingly.

"Well-nothing at all, my Lord, it is magnificent indeed, very...er...well, very _bad boy-_"

"So what is _this?_" Voldemort shrieked, pulling his arm out of his sleeve. It was belly-of-a-dead-fish white except for the small, clumsily drawn picture in Magic Marker. "How dare you brand me in my sleep, while I am vulnerable!"

"Well, my lord, the Dark Mark is indeed magnificently evil and dashingly handsome," the Death Eater stammered, "but I thought it was...missing...something..."

"Out!"

The Death Eater tripped over his long scarf (which was just as hideous, monstrous, grotesque, disgusting, terrible, vile, evil and attractive as the sweater) in his haste to get away. When he was gone, Voldemort once more peeked at his new tattoo. It did look rather good. Very impressive. That troublesome Death Eater was a good artist, and perhaps Voldemort should make this permanent...

The next day, the workers at Patrick's Tattoo Parlor could hardly believe their eyes when fifty men and women in imposing black robes with imposing skull masks walked in line through the door. The leader, a pale man with no hair or nose, held up his arm and showed the man his Magic Marker tattoo.

"Reproduce that," he said grandly, "On the arms of all of my servants here."

A few hours later, the group filed out once more, their sleeves rolled up to show the colorful tattoos- each arm bore a smiling skull with a rainbow bursting from it's mouth, exploding into one sparkling, stenciled word- **Evil. **The dot in the 'i' had been replaced with a tiny heart.

As a special treat, Voldemort got the youngest Death Eater-Draco- an extra tattoo in the form of a golden lion springing over a planet, with a pointed, star-and-moon patterned hat upon it's head. His large mouth was open to a speech bubble, and in it: RUMBLEROAR.

(Being in a generous mood, the Dark Lord even offered to get a huge planet Mars emblazoned across Draco's back, with a banner enscribed 'Pigfarts'. Draco would have agreed- Narcissa held firm.)

**Heehee. Probably not as good as the first, but it was fun to write. As for the 'Rumbleroar' and 'Pigfarts', only AVPM watchers will get it! ;) Please review!**


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